Day 25 of #Janblogaday: el.oh.vee.ee. I tried writing this last night at midnight, but was short of the right words. Short of the right thing to say. I thought about writing the story of when Colin saw my dad in the Macy’s restroom stall, or my own 99 problems but love aint one. Nothing seemed like the right fit. So I slept, and am posting this a day late. But it’s a much, must more loving fit.
Someone asked me just a few weeks ago how I knew I loved Colin. It’s a question of serious depth. I found it challenging in that I knew my words would never give the answer justice. My mind searched for moments – surely, there must be some moments I knew it was love.
Love. I thought I loved all of my boyfriends. I always forced a picture in my mind of us together – kids, what our jobs would be, what sort of life we would live. I always thought it was love.
When I met Colin, I wasn’t even sure if it was “like.” The word to describe it would probably be “nice” – I thought it was nice to have Colin around. For the first two months we were seeing each other I never uploaded a photo to Facebook… because I didn’t know how long we’d be together and I didn’t want anyone at home thinking I was that girl. Our relationship status wasn’t a secret, it just wasn’t online.
Then I really started to like him. Then I liked him a lot. Then I loved him. Colin was the guy I grew to love – not because it was hard or because I had to convince myself. But because I had had so many presumptions about what love was before him, and he was none of that. He wasn’t a jock, he didn’t drive a BMW; he wasn’t a social entrepreneur or the son of a pastor or a doctor or millionaire. He didn’t schmooze girls over with his acoustic guitar, six pack, memory of Scripture, or friends in high places.
He wasn’t hard to get along with, I didn’t have to beg him to support me, he wanted to hold me if I was upset, he studied with me, he thanked me, he remembered things I told him, he didn’t leave me at the prom or call to tell me he was staying the night at another girl’s house because of “car trouble”, he didn’t break up with me because Jesus told him He needed to focus more.
What I remember most about our dating days was that I always had fun. I laughed through every moment with him. At night, with nowhere to go but restaurants, Disneyland or the school parking lot, we’d sit in one of our cars to keep warm. We drew pictures on the windows and neither one of us would want to say goodnight but when I finally did, my stomach would be empty of laughs from the night. And I went to bed every day feeling like I could do it all over tomorrow. I realised fun was the forgotten chart-topper on my “what I need in love” list.
Colin was the “guy-next-door” in my life’s movie; the dream I didn’t know I had. We have hardly anything of materialistic interest in common. But we enjoy every moment with one another. And the things the matter, we talk about. We learn from one another and share in each other’s concerns; if nothing else, we compromise. He doesn’t sing T-Swift lyrics with me for weeks straight, or write blogs at midnight, or go to a job in a suit and tie. But he’ll eat cupcakes with me ‘til we’re sick, and he’ll help me learn to like beer, and he won’t think I’m silly when I miss him after two days away.
I had had boyfriends before who I loved more than they loved me; and once, one that loved me more than I loved him. Colin taught me love isn’t uneven like that; and love taught me it’s also not equal. It’s shared and it’s cared for. It’s fought for and it’s cried for. It’s thanked for and reminded of in good times and bad. Love… real, for life, best friend in marriage, el.oh.vee.ee love is the kind of thing in which one lifetime will never be enough.
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More from #Janblogaday: Day 1: New… year, new resolution. Day 2: Two… things you should never say to your partner. Day 3: Bucket list… of (some un)realistic wishes. Day 4: Pet peeve… fountains are not the new jungle gym. Day 5: Fear not, even if I am a little crazy. Day 6: Embarrassment: Lindsey – 1, Dad – 4. Day 7: The shoe horoscope. Day 8: A little honesty. Day 9: Made with love: Wintery Instagram jam. Day 10: Grandma took my room, so I took her pajamas. Day 11: A husband confession. Day 12: Haiti changed me. Day 13: Top ten ‘why not’ finds at Walmart. Day 14: Guess that food. Day 15: A hug-free, dent-free left-hand side of the road. Day 16: I’m getting my own tube. Day 17: This is your brain on bacon. Day 18: Dear newly-wed. Day 19: Superpowerful and hungry. Day 20: Beauty to me. Day 21: Happy. Day 22: Lock me up in a kids world. Day 23: Social media in desserts. Day 24: Teacherhood of a dirty chalkboard. Tomorrow day 26: Winter/summer.
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