Former CEO Talerico steps down after suspicions of mental instability; Appointment of Hedren signals renewed leadership; Confused household roles find normalcy after years of angst
UPDATE: Colin Hedren, newly appointed CEO of the Hedren Household, has made several public remarks insisting he is being underpaid since his new role came into affect Thursday. The Board of Directors has not commented on Hedren’s lack of gratefulness. Former CEO Lindsey Talerico said, “I’m concerned about his irrational remarks and fear the ramifications could include decreasing staff morale. This is a very serious issue and I hope the Board acts quickly to dissolve the potential risks.”
AUCKLAND, New Zeal. — The Hedren Household today announced that it has appointed Colin Hedren as President and Chief Executive Officer effective 19 July, 2012. The appointment of Mr. Hedren, industry leader in domestic support, comes at the downfall of former CEO Lindsey Talerico who steps down from the acclaimed role after nearly five years. A recent decision to move to the role of stay-at-home wife affirm long time suspicions of Talerico’s mental instability.
Hedren said, “I feel privileged and overjoyed to lead the Hedren Household, a strong family unit with the untapped potential to be a positive example of marriage, something our society desperately needs.” Hedren, well-known for his innovations in household management and recipient of the Chores and Service Peace Prize four years running, steps into the role with enthusiasm at a time when the institution of marriage is believed to be a sign of conformity and entrapment for couples who are, instead, opting to be recognized as partners who do not require legality to affirm their love.
Most recently, Hedren has been responsible for all major Household management including performance and budget, operations, reputation management, quality assurance, financial records, and employee satisfaction. Hedren and Talerico co-founded the Hedren Household in 2010 after two years of strategic planning. Hedren’s appointment as CEO comes on the heels of media coverage of Yahoo!’s new CEO Marissa Mayer and former U.S. State Department official Anne Marie Slaughter’s Atlantic article, making a critical statement that dispels the rise of the female executive voice.
Health experts believe high-stress, unrealistic expectations, and constant overwhelming pressure to lead are contributing factors to Talerico’s mental instability. “What we see here with Talerico is a classic case of household role confusion. As the more natural order of the household reveals itself with male CEO Hedren’s leadership, Talerico can again begin to identify with her God-given role — that is, primary servant in the home,” said health expert Romano Cheaze.
Talerico’s ability to lead as CEO most recently came into question after a public announcement that justified a lack of marital commitment for the gain of consumer purchases. Her consumer behaviour is just one of many reasons the Board of Directors are said to have requested Talerico resign. Other suspected reasons include Talerico’s newly developed fascination with erotic fiction and unhealthy interest in teen literature. Talerico’s known mental breakdowns have made public news highlighting outbursts and fits of fantasized conflict.
“We are concerned for Lindsey’s long-term health as a female with a role to carry child in the future and believe this change can foster a healthier culture for the Household at large. The Board unanimously agreed that Hedren’s leadership can bring a newfound sense of peace and forward direction to the Household as a male voice is known to have greater impact,” said Pepper Honie, chairman of the Board of Directors. It is expected that once Talerico bares child(ren), her ability to continue in the role as CEO would no longer be viable or feasible for the Household.
Hedren said, “The Hedren Household is considered a marital anomaly in a time of rapidly increasing divorce rates. I intend to uphold that reputation by restoring structure and hierarchy that is long past due.”
Hedren’s appointment as CEO comes with great anticipation and with comfort to all Fortune 500s who can rest with assurance that unpregnant, unemotional, male CEOs are still the symbol of executive leadership.
If you’d like more information about this topic, or to schedule an interview with Lindsey Talerico or Colin Hedren, please email Lindsey at firstname.lastname@example.org
I was practically forced to write this after a week of nauseating headlines like: Marissa Mayer: The First Ever Pregnant CEO Of A Fortune 500 Tech Company?, New Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer Is Pregnant. Does It Matter?, If Marissa Mayer can ‘have it all,’ can you?, What Marissa Mayer Means for Silicon Valley Women, Yahoo: Help Us, Marissa Mayer. You’re Our Only Hope, Advice to Marissa Mayer, Yahoo’s new CEO … really? I know I tried out feminism for a little while, but c’mon. These headlines have nearly driven me themselves to the bakery for an extra double chocolate cupcake.
Congratulations, Marissa Mayer. And illegitimus non carborundum.
PS: This has been released without the permission of Colin Hedren who feels he has been misrepresented and misquoted in every graph.