Hedren Household: Talerico steps down, Hedren appointed CEO

Former CEO Talerico steps down after suspicions of mental instability; Appointment of Hedren signals renewed leadership; Confused household roles find normalcy after years of angst

Colin Hedren appointed CEO of Hedren Household | Lindsey Talerico-Hedren

Colin Hedren, new CEO of Hedren Household

UPDATE: Colin Hedren, newly appointed CEO of the Hedren Household, has made several public remarks insisting he is being underpaid since his new role came into affect Thursday. The Board of Directors has not commented on Hedren’s lack of gratefulness. Former CEO Lindsey Talerico said, “I’m concerned about his irrational remarks and fear the ramifications could include decreasing staff morale. This is a very serious issue and I hope the Board acts quickly to dissolve the potential risks.”

AUCKLAND, New Zeal. — The Hedren Household today announced that it has appointed Colin Hedren as President and Chief Executive Officer effective 19 July, 2012. The appointment of Mr. Hedren, industry leader in domestic support, comes at the downfall of former CEO Lindsey Talerico who steps down from the acclaimed role after nearly five years. A recent decision to move to the role of stay-at-home wife affirm long time suspicions of Talerico’s mental instability.

Hedren said, “I feel privileged and overjoyed to lead the Hedren Household, a strong family unit with the untapped potential to be a positive example of marriage, something our society desperately needs.” Hedren, well-known for his innovations in household management and recipient of the Chores and Service Peace Prize four years running, steps into the role with enthusiasm at a time when the institution of marriage is believed to be a sign of conformity and entrapment for couples who are, instead, opting to be recognized as partners who do not require legality to affirm their love.

Colin Hedren appointed CEO of Hedren Household | Lindsey Talerico-Hedren

Colin Hedren, former CFO and COO at Perfect Household.

Most recently, Hedren has been responsible for all major Household management including performance and budget, operations, reputation management, quality assurance, financial records, and employee satisfaction.Β  Hedren and Talerico co-founded the Hedren Household in 2010 after two years of strategic planning. Hedren’s appointment as CEO comes on the heels of media coverage of Yahoo!’s new CEO Marissa Mayer and former U.S. State Department official Anne Marie Slaughter’s Atlantic article, making a critical statement that dispels the rise of the female executive voice.

Health experts believe high-stress, unrealistic expectations, and constant overwhelming pressure to lead are contributing factors to Talerico’s mental instability. “What we see here with Talerico is a classic case of household role confusion. As the more natural order of the household reveals itself with male CEO Hedren’s leadership, Talerico can again begin to identify with her God-given role — that is, primary servant in the home,” said health expert Romano Cheaze.

Talerico’s ability to lead as CEO most recently came into question after a public announcement that justified a lack of marital commitment for the gain of consumer purchases. Her consumer behaviour is just one of many reasons the Board of Directors are said to have requested Talerico resign. Other suspected reasons include Talerico’s newly developed fascination with erotic fiction and unhealthy interest in teen literature. Talerico’s known mental breakdowns have made public news highlighting outbursts and fits of fantasized conflict.

Colin Hedren appointed CEO of Hedren Household | Lindsey Talerico-Hedren

Talerico’s mental instability is sourced to “role confusion” says experts.

“We are concerned for Lindsey’s long-term health as a female with a role to carry child in the future and believe this change can foster a healthier culture for the Household at large. The Board unanimously agreed that Hedren’s leadership can bring a newfound sense of peace and forward direction to the Household as a male voice is known to have greater impact,” said Pepper Honie, chairman of the Board of Directors. It is expected that once Talerico bares child(ren), her ability to continue in the role as CEO would no longer be viable or feasible for the Household.

Hedren said, “The Hedren Household is considered a marital anomaly in a time of rapidly increasing divorce rates. I intend to uphold that reputation by restoring structure and hierarchy that is long past due.”

Hedren’s appointment as CEO comes with great anticipation and with comfort to all Fortune 500s who can rest with assurance that unpregnant, unemotional, male CEOs are still the symbol of executive leadership.

If you’d like more information about this topic, or to schedule an interview with Lindsey Talerico or Colin Hedren, please email Lindsey at femalerockstar@awesomesauce.com

I was practically forced to write this after a week of nauseating headlines like: Marissa Mayer: The First Ever Pregnant CEO Of A Fortune 500 TechΒ Company?, New Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer Is Pregnant. Does It Matter?, If Marissa Mayer can ‘have it all,’ can you?, What Marissa Mayer Means for Silicon Valley Women, Yahoo: Help Us, Marissa Mayer. You’re Our Only Hope, Advice to Marissa Mayer, Yahoo’s new CEO … really? I know I tried out feminism for a little while, but c’mon. These headlines have nearly driven me themselves to the bakery for an extra double chocolate cupcake.

Congratulations, Marissa Mayer. And illegitimus non carborundum.

PS: This has been released without the permission of Colin Hedren who feels he has been misrepresented and misquoted in every graph.

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  • I repeatedly lol’d at your post. So good!

  • Thanks, mate. I reckon we’d make a good mix for a Board of Directors ourselves one day. Richenda can hire us bc she’ll be first CEO. Five weeks out ’til our AKL/MLB party.

  • HAHA!! This was an awesome read! Thanks for the smiles and chuckles.

  • Glad you liked it, Superman πŸ™‚ Maybe female executives are like the kryptonite of traditional corporate leadership.

  • Kristina

    One of my favorite blog posts you’ve written!! I loved it!! The humor through out kept me so entertained. LOVE LOVE LOVED it!!! Β 

  • Oh, yeah? And you and me… we know our place in our households — making meatloaf and grocery shopping. All this lock down has me feeling like if you want to be an iron (wo)man… you can! πŸ™‚

  • Rndtalerico

    Loved this you are so entertaining and funny!

  • Shhh. Don’t reveal my identity. πŸ™‚

    Haha! Hardly. Although, I think Marissa saying she’ll be back to work no problem and having a kid isn’t a disruption just reveals her inexperience. Becoming a parent rocks your world. It’s not like picking up a hobby or buying a new car.

  • I thought you’d like it. But you are Team Colin all the way, so I knew you’d be down with the CEO switch. Love you.

  • Totally agree (says childless, double-income, career-driven female). I want to believe that all the things she’ll learn in parenthood will flip her world so downside up that it will carry into her role as CEO — flip the traditional idea of corporate structure and strategy on its head. Now that’s an idea to get Yahoo! back in the game. Thinking this way, parenthood will only strengthen her existing ability to lead.

  • Tara

    YES, LT. This was incredible πŸ™‚

  • Shai Coggins

    Thanks for the entertainment, Lindsey. Very creative post! πŸ™‚

    So, tell me, are you really quitting your job and staying home to make babies? πŸ˜€

  • Glad you think so πŸ™‚

  • Glad you think so πŸ™‚ Thanks for the comment.

  • Ohhhh, no! NEVER! (Unless my husband ever makes six-figures that start with at least a 3… then I’d really consider it). Nope, not me… I’ll just trudge along in the trenches of a male-dominate corporate world, maybe raise a little hell for fun when I get bored.

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  • Emma Butler

    After reading you post about Mt. Kill-a-(wo)man-jaro, your blog thought I would “Might Also Like” this little diddy. I clicked it, began reading (on my iPhone) and kept on reading & reading (you could imagine the seemingly lengthiness of this post when reading it on a phone). I thoroughly enjoyed it and simply had to post a comment to tell you how funny I thought it was. I tried to comment several times using my phone, but whenever I used the backspace, it wouldn’t let me continue to write the rest of my comment! After probably the same amount of times that you threw up on Mt. Big #$@%, I thought maybe if I clicked the symbol to upload a photo and then delete the photo, it would let me continue to write. You know, so I could tell you that I thought this post was funny. The most recent photo on my phone was/is of a lady riding non-nonchalantly on a bike, naked, covered head to toe in body paint (don’t worry, she was just part of the thousands riding in the Fremont naked parade)! I happened to witness it first hand while inside Fedex on Market Street in Ballard. Yay. Anyway, when I went to “delete” the photo, it wouldn’t let me. Crap. So naturally I just exited out of the app and hoped it didn’t post my half-written comment with a naked bike hippie photo. Since my smart phone was being quite unintelligent, I had to make sure my comment didn’t go through by checking your blog on my trusty mac. Thus, after googleing “Lindsey talerico blog ceo” (you have great SEO btw), I was relieved to find that there wasn’t what some might accuse of soft porn on your blog. And now here I am, writing you a novel to tell you all about it. So anyway, this post is so funny!

  • Emma Butler

    Also, Garrett just read ^this^ and thought it was weird that I shared the portion about the naked bike lady, and that it’s weird that that picture is on my phone. At which point I reminded him that he is the one who took a video of the whole shebang. Also, I trust any Seattleite like yourself would understand the humor in the odd qualities of Fremont/Seattle.

  • You read the whole post on your phone?!!! YUSSS — I feel I’ve achieved ultimate success if someone is willing to read such a long, dreadful story to the end.

    Your SEO comment — best thing everrrrr!!! Kuddos, Garrett for rubbing off on you πŸ™‚ And the accusation for soft porn on my blog… firsts and seconds on that note have already been claimed. Once by free-blog advertising (before I bought my domain), and another time because I wrote a couple times of my infatuation with Fifty Shades.

    You are the best!!! Hope we can hang out when we come back one day. xxoo

  • I’m actually real keen to see this pic, text it to me! Hello, iMessage across continents for free πŸ™‚ I never got to see the naked Fremont parade. I want to!

    PS: Weirdest photo on my phone recently: I took a picture of my armpit after 6-days on Kilimanjaro because I want Colin to know just how Brazilian I got on the climb.

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