Fifty people forbidden from Fifty Shades of Grey

It’s tough times to be a book. Fifty shades of tough.

Also equally as tough times to be a new bookie — that is you’ve decided to start feeding your brain a little more than your thighs since the opposite has been true since about 1998, and so have purchased a Kindle that is basically the new shoes of ereaders. Because when you look good you feel good, and when you feel good… you read more.

The background story of how Fifty Shades of Grey found itself on my Kindle is three-fold:

1. I was in the divot of a small depressive episode having finished the Hunger Games tril (“tril” as in trilogy for the amateurs) weeks previously and Half the Sky really wasn’t cutting it.
2. Never hurts to read a #1 best seller. Also the reason I don’t mind the Biebs.
3. I have a thing for ties. I think they look nice. Exhibit A:

So me and Fifty Shades hung out for like five hours on the first night. And stayed up late chatting on the second night. There were third dates and fourth dates.

And six days later, I’d read an entire tril again. Watch out Katniss, you’re not the only girl on fire.

A word to mom and to the Fifty Shades apprehensive: give it a chance. Read it. After the first couple chapters, you’ll start to think, oh, it’s pretty good. At first you’re like maybe I shouldn’t read this. No I can, I just won’t tell anybody. And by the end you’re like… Christian Grey, ohhh… he’s fine.

Still, the Grey style might not be everyone’s cup of tea… To these fifty peeps, keep your day jobs and consider yourselves told.

1. Obama

2. the Pope

3. the Heaven-bound

4. TOMS Shoes

5. Mark Driscoll

6. The Free Masons — the whole idea of that is uncomfortable

7. Britney — Although, I bet she’d make one hell of a leather-wearing, whip carrying music video. Oh wait, that’s Miley.

8. Rob Bell

9. Grandma

10. Chris Brown — You know he might take this one domestic violence step too far

11. Billy Graham, because that would be so sad

12. My dad

13. Primrose Everdeen

14. the mail man — already creepy enough

15. Joseph Kony

16. Single women over age 45 who prefer cats to dogs

17. Bristol Palin

18. Lindsay Lohan

19. The Kardashian clan — although I could be convinced otherwise

20. Church staff, charity workers and youth volunteers

21. Toddlers in tiaras

22. Cheerleaders

23. Tim Tebow

24. Dance moms

25. Suzanne Collins

26. Aslan

27. and for that matter, Lucy

28. the Olsen Twins

29. the Taliban

30. Mr. Rogers

31. Visual thinkers

32. the non-imaginative

33. Egalitarians

34. the Dutchess of Cambridge – because we like her

35. Tom Cruise, for so many reasons

36. the easily offended

37. 40 year-old virgins

38. Prisoners

39. Taylor Swift — otherwise we’ll all be hearing about that on the radio

40.  the manic depressive

41. most men

42. the newly divorced

43. Eminem

44. anyone who produces an MTV or Oxygen reality show

45. vampires

46. Phoebe Buffay or Joey Tribbiani

47. haters

48. country singers

49. Angry birds or World of War Craft addicts — because your addictions are already so immature

50. The Amish

*          *          *

Just a little bit of tough love, in true Fifty Shades fashion. And like pistachio ice cream or South Florida, it’s not for everyone.

PS: Dear movie makers, please no more Kristin Stewart. And in casting Christian Grey, best choice easily… Ryan Gosling. Exhibit B:

I know... right?!!

PPS: Thanks Reece for idea-ing this post with me.

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